The Problems That Occur When Both You And Your Partner Have “Alpha” Personalities

Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapist and Life Coach, NJ Therapy and Life Coaching in Marlton NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact Dr Cohen

As a couples and marriage counselor, I have worked with many different struggles within relationships. One of the more difficult problems to solve is how to help a couple composed of “two alphas” find peace and happiness. What is an “alpha?” An alpha personality is typically someone who exudes confidence and is assertive. But, in relationships, their dominant tendencies and need to take charge (be in control?) can create severe relationship problems. Image for a moment two alphas in a relationship or married to one another.

What Is An “Alpha?”

Alphas can be stubborn and opinionated. They may struggle with compromising and sharing power. This can lead to conflicts and power struggles. Alpha assertiveness can sometimes come off as intimidating or overwhelming and I have seen it lead to terrible communication skills - in particular, alphas often have poor listening skills. When communicating with one another, alphas formulate responses instead of listening. Helping alpha couples can be extremely challenging.  By the time they come for marriage counseling, they have often been fighting (screaming) at each other for a long time.

We have all heard that opposites attract. Well, sometimes. Other times, we are attracted to the qualities in another that we value ourselves. Alphas are attracted to each other’s assertiveness, direct way of communicating, and take-charge attitude. They admire their partner’s fortitude and strong-willed nature.

Blissful at first, being together can be tremendously challenging as time goes on. Two people who don’t believe they are wrong, want to be in control, and believe they are just being who they are (and don’t believe their partner has the right to change them,) can struggle to find long-term happiness and success.

Communication: An Essential Problem

In couples and marriage counseling, WE WILL WORK ON HOW YOU AND YOUR PARTNER COMMUNICATE. I introduce the topic of listening. When I do, I often get inquisitive looks, as both partners do not seem TO understand what I’m talking about. I introduce the essential concept of pausing before speaking (thanks, mom.)

Do you think through what you are saying before you say it? Do you consider your tone or how emphatic and loud you are communicating? Are you more concerned with being right than solving the problem? It is essential to be mindful of and identify your emotions during an exchange. Only then can you slow down AND CONSIDER WHAT YOU ARE FEELING AND WHY YOU ARE FEELING THE WAY THAT YOU ARE. What thoughts are you having that are affecting your emotions and way of communicating?

Why Change Is In Your Best Interest

I ask “Is how you communicate and behave in your best interest?” That is, does it re-inforce love and care? Or is it leading down the road of disagreements, fighting, and eventually, not liking your partner anymore? If your method of communication just doesn’t work, why would you continue communicating that way?

Timing also matters. Before I speak to my wife, I do my best to consider how I am feeling, how she might be feeling, and whether now is a good time to bring up the issue I believe to be so important. And, is what I am about to say really important at all? I have, OF COURSE, learned that criticizing their family in any way is always wrong (how stupid am I, really?)

The Problem With Unmet Expectations

When you are communicating, be ready to get your spouses feedback. Don’t expect what you may not get, most often, their agreement with what you are saying. Don’t ask a question expecting your spouse to always agree with you. This leads to unmet expectations, and as I write, unmet expectations lead to unhappiness almost every time. To avoid alpha conflicts, be certain to elicit their feedback. Ask them what they think, and be ready to consider their response and not yell back how wrong they are.

Alphas often need time to consider what is said to them. As an alpha, you have already learned that quickly reacting to what is said to you may often lead to a fight. Is fighting really what you want in your relationship, or does it make more sense to recognize how you are feeling, reflect on your thoughts, and decide how to act and not just react. We already know what will lead to a fight, so why would we decide to say something that may lead to one?

Give your spouse some time and “space” to figure out what they are thinking and feeling. Although it may seem that alphas have no feelings, they do, and you need to consider this when you communicate. If you reflect on what you, also an alpha, need during conversations, you will discover what your alpha partner also needs.

Be Compassionate (What?)

Learn to be more compassionate. Think carefully about why your partner feels certain ways about certain things. Their reaction may actually be an over-reaction, fed by past pain (even childhood experiences), or past fights and disagreements you have had. Try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. This will help to avoid fights and disagreements.

Always remember that as partners you need to work together, facing the world as one. Instead of facing the challenging world together as one unit, I see couples who instead turn on and fight each other. Even if you and your partner disagree, there are ways of communicating that help you “agree to disagree.” Don’t say black every time your spouse says white. I find that these behaviors have history - that they are deeper than just what is happening in the current moment. Advanced couplehood involves a recognition that what we say and do, and in turn what our partner says and does, especially when angry, may be bigger than it appears.

Stopping the disagreements, arguments, and fights that go too far and become personal attacks is crucial to having a loving, emotionally connected relationship. Fighting pushes partners away from each other. A primary goal of couplehood should be having a strong emotional bond and connection. Fighting always pushes your partner away and poisons your relationship. Even if you feel your anger is justified, yelling at your partner is always wrong. Having insight into your feelings and behaviors and understanding why you and your partner think, feel, and behave as you do, is the key to improving a connection between the two of you.