Stop Judging Yourself. Why It Happens and How to Fix It

Dr Larry Cohen, Marlton NJ Therapist and Life Coach, Marlton NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact Dr Cohen

The pain of judging yourself can be debilitating. I have worked with clients who are haunted by almost constant self-judgment. They judge themselves and worry about how others see them every day. We may wall ourselves off as a result as we protect ourselves from the judgment of others. We are unable to connect, leaving us feeling alone. Often, the core belief of people who judge themselves harshly is “I’m not good enough.” They feel “less than” other people and may feel like they are a failure. They struggle to find feelings of self-worth and confidence. The constant echo of self-judgment robs them of living a peaceful, satisfying life. How can you be happy if you rarely feel good about who you are? Working to end self-judgment can be a difficult task.

We all judge ourselves, but some of us judge ourselves in a compulsive way. Our inner world has become saturated with self-hatred. Self-judgment can come about as the result of societal norms, childhood experiences, and personal beliefs.

Societal Norms

Society and our cultural background drives what is considered “normal.” If you do not feel like you fit in, or if you feel you are being judged by others because you don’t fit in, self-judgment can result. For example, in some cultures, educational and professional success is viewed as essential. Children can be pushed by parents to excel at math or be a great musician. Professional expectations such as “you must be a doctor” can lead us to low self-worth if we don’t become a doctor.  This is also present when it comes to sexual orientation.

Personal Beliefs

Personal beliefs can also drive self-judgment. If you believe it is unacceptable to make a mistake, you are setting yourself up for an unhappy life. Mistakes are part of being human and can lead to positive behavior changes.

Issues in Childhood

One driver of harsh self-judgment is having a difficult childhood. Negative mirroring by a caregiver can damage our sense of self-worth. As children, we internalize how we are valued by our caregivers. Children are sponges, and as they don’t yet understand what self-worth is, they internalize the value placed on them. Clearly, those of us who were neglected or abused are going to be harmed by it.

More subtle messaging is whether you felt like an annoyance or a failure as the result of being unable to meet expectations. Often, I hear my clients say that they felt rejected because they were not a great student or athlete. Looking at how your caregivers valued you is important. Being teased as a child can also drive self-judgment.

I have worked with clients who judge themselves as the result of being teased. They have negative core beliefs that they internalized as a child that still AFFECT them as adults.  Also, some of us continue to chase the love and acceptance we didn’t receive when we were young. We try and try, but we never satisfy this need. We may try to prove that WE are something greater than who we are.

As we grow older, we can integrate the expectations of others when we were children as our own expectations.  As adults, we do not need to please anyone but ourselves, yet we continue to feel the need to prove ourselves. The expectations of others may form our own personal expectations. We judge ourselves for being unable to meet our own standards. We find ourselves unhappy as we find it impossible to meet the standards we have set for ourselves.

Fighting off Self-Judgement

To effectively change self-judgment you must learn to be compassionate and understanding towards yourself. Using your insight and understanding of the problem allows you to be self-reflective and gives you the ability to challenge your thinking and emotions. Is what I’m thinking about myself true, or am I judging myself because my thinking is being clouded by past experiences? Be mindful (Aware), and work on acknowledging and accepting your thoughts and emotions.

Examine your ‘self-talk.’ Self-talk is what we are saying to ourselves in our mind throughout our day. Trying to suppress or ignore negative thoughts and feelings can often make them worse. Instead, recognize that these thoughts and emotions are natural and part of being human. Take a moment to pause, breathe deeply and be mindful of what is going on within you. By simply being aware and present, you can break free from the cycle of self-judgment.

When you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, ask yourself if they are based on facts or just assumptions. You can also try to reframe your thoughts into something more positive and realistic. For example, if you make a mistake at work, instead of thinking "I'm a failure," try thinking “This was a mistake, and I can learn from this." This is practicing self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a co-worker, friend or relative.

Active ways of practicing self-care include going for a walk or listening to music. You can also use positive affirmations such as “I am worthy and deserving of love and respect," to remind yourself of your self-worth. Say your affirmation either out loud or in your mind. I recommend doing this at least 10 in the morning and 10 times before bed. Your positive affirmation may not be believable to you when you start using it, but over time we usually begin to realize that our affirmation is actually true. You are worthy and deserving of love and respect. No question about it.

To lessen self-judgment, it is helpful to focus on your strengths and accomplishments. When we are overly critical of ourselves, we tend to focus on our weaknesses and flaws. Instead, try to focus on your strengths and accomplishments. Make a list of your achievements, big or small, and remind yourself of them when you start to doubt yourself.

Always seek support from others. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or your therapist can help you gain perspective and feel less alone. It's important to surround yourself with those who love and support you - the people in what I call your “inner circle”.  Reflect on those who love you today - as you are - to fight off core beliefs formed in your past - and recognize that you are cared for and loved as you are. This can’t help but move you towards a greater sense of self-worth and increase your confidence. To read more, visit More On Self-Esteem and Being Perfect.

Self-acceptance is the key to lowering the intensity of self-judgment. Accepting yourself and being compassionate toward yourself will help resolve negative self-reflection and judgment. We are who we are, and accepting who you are, both the good and that which you can improve upon, will lead to less self-judgment, greater happiness, and peace.