The need to Be Perfect

Dr. Larry Cohen Therapist and Life CoacH, Marlton, NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact Dr Cohen

“You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don't have to do anything to earn it. Your shortcomings, your lack of self-esteem, physical perfection, or social and economic success - none of that matters. No one can take this love away from you, and it will always be here.”

― Ram Dass

Perfection and the Need to Control

Hanging from a nail on a wall and unable to free yourself, you try to be in control and perfect, but you can’t get there. Ask yourself why being perfect and in control is so essential - the belief is most often “I cannot be content and happy unless I am perfect and in control”, or “I will not be accepted and loved unless I am perfect.”

If your need for perfection and control is negatively impacting your life, reflect on what it was like for you growing up. If you grew up being the family “hero” you needed to be perfect to live up to your parent’s expectations.

If you faltered, your fear was that your caregivers would be unhappy with you and you would not be praised and validated. You would not be loved. To be loved you had to perform, to DO something. You felt you were not loved just for being who you are.

Your desire for validation may also stem from not fitting in at school or being teased. It becomes clear to children who experience this that being perfect brings the praise and validation they need. I work with many people who were teased as children and being teased set the stage for a life of unhappiness.

People still tend to hold the beliefs, a core belief, that they are what they were told. If you were teased, it is important to reprocess your childhood emotions. Remember: just because someone said something doesn’t mean it’s true. As an adult, would you believe a 10-year-old who called you a loser? Probably not.

To be perfect requires the need for control. Without controlling all aspects of life, including things outside of the self that simply CAN'T be controlled, perfection is out of reach. You may be a great student or worker, but getting accepted into the college you most desire or getting a promotion is out of your control.

Be careful not to judge yourself based on external factors that you have no control over. This is being co-dependent - judging yourself and allowing your self-worth to be determined by factors out of your control.

The Fear of Disapproval

Perfectionism is sometimes correlated with obsessive-compulsive disorder (O.C.D.), but not all perfectionists have O.C.D. Fear of disapproval, feeling inadequate, and not feeling safe are often at the root of perfectionism and a person’s need to control all things in their life.

Perfectionism can lead to procrastination and avoidance. If you don’t believe you can complete a task perfectly, or better than others, why try? Perfectionists may also take far more time to complete a task than others.

For example, the need to complete a report at work may go through many drafts so that the report is perfect. Unfortunately, this can lead to unmanageability in the perfectionist’s life as they spend too much time and expend too much energy completing tasks.

In adults, I have seen the need to control create deep depression and high anxiety. I believe that unhappiness lives in unmet expectations. Not getting into the school you wanted to or not getting the promotion at work are two examples.

Perfectionism drives the need for greater success, but, as the outside world is beyond your control, when things do not go as expected, you become depressed and anxious as a result. 

Perfectionism and control can be addressed in psychotherapy. Understanding its origins is the first step, then correcting your beliefs about yourself is THE second. believing you need to be perfect is clouding your view of reality, and the need to accept those things that are out of your control.

Cognitive therapy is often used by therapists to help people overcome perfectionistic behaviors. In cognitive therapy, you are asked to identify your core beliefs about yourself AND how these beliefs originated, and how they skew your thinking.

Clouded thinking can lead to negative emotions. To resolve these beliefs and change your emotions, you may become perfectionistic as you chase the need to resolve these beliefs and emotions.

At birth we are all perfect. We are free of self-judgment and the negative sense of self-worth that may develop as we grow up. To read more, visit More On Self-Esteem and Self-Judgment. When you can identify when you became a perfectionist and why, you can resolve it and live a happier life.