Sexual and Emotional IntimacY: Finding Each Other Again

New Jersey Therapist and Life Coach, Marlton NJ, Voorhees NJ, and Cherry Hill NJ

We often work with couples who have spent decades together, who come to marriage counseling to rekindle the emotional and sexual connection they had earlier in their relationship. Over the years, sharing your life certainly brings intimacy, but often, the “spark” that existed in emotional and sexual intimacy has waned. We fall into routines - and these can last for years. Routines provide comfort but may weaken the emotional and sexual connection you once shared.

How Can We Reconnect?

Couples often seek marriage counseling to learn how to reconnect. This can be accomplished, but it requires effort, mindfulness, and the willingness to be open and vulnerable. To deepen intimacy is to understand that emotional and sexual closeness are not separate—they are both needed and support each other. When you feel emotionally close, you will feel safe being sexual again. When you’ve been married for years, you may focus on current and future planning relating to money, the kids, aging parents, and work.

Being Vulnerable

Rebuilding your connection requires vulnerability. It can be extremely difficult to break through the walls that may have been built between you after years of arguments and hurt feelings. To move forward, you must work together. Create a specific time each day for check-ins. When you check in, focus on what your partner says. Listen openly to learn once again about who they are, and who they have become.

What are your partner’s fears, what are their loves, what are the things that keep them engaged in life? To increase your emotional connection, You must also discuss present and past disagreements and fights. Lay out the resentments. This is often done in Marriage counseling sessions so that partners feel that they are in a safe environment.

Learn to Listen

Learn to use what is called “active listening.” When you’ve been together a long time, you may assume you know what your spouse is thinking, feeling, and what action they want to take. However, making these assumptions pushes you farther apart. To be vulnerable, you must be willing to share your inner self with your partner once again. This can be frightening, but it is essential if you are to become emotionally close once again.

Ask what are called “open-ended questions.” These can be “What do you wish I understood better about you?” or “What part of your inner life do you think I pay no attention to?” In active listening, when your partner speaks, you listen without interrupting, problem-solving, or judging.

Talking about Sex

Many couples have great difficulty talking about sex. The topic may bring up feelings of shame, memories of past performance anxiety, and a fear of rejection. But, being open and honest about sex is crucial. It is often best to speak about the emotional parts of being sexual. How do you want to feel about yourself when you are sexual? Desired, cherished, adventurous?

Then you need to discuss the physical stuff - don’t get stuck on what’s right or wrong. What is it that you truly desire? What’s been missing, or you’d like added to the experience? Avoid blame. Focus on how to fix it, not on why it got broken.

Physical Touch

Sometimes it makes sense to restart your sexual connection by cuddling, holding hands, or caressing one another. Try massaging each other and even bathing together. These are considered “no demand” physical connections and also contribute to emotional connection. You don’t have to define sex as just “having sex.” These softer ways of connecting physically can move you towards making love.

I recommend putting time to touch on your calendar! Schedule time to touch so that you don’t just avoid it as you may have in the past. Being vulnerable often means feeling uncomfortable or afraid. Start with the no-expectation touch exercises.

Scheduled time for physical closeness can lead to the desire for sexual intercourse (or whatever you used to do or now want to do!) These encounters will gradually lessen any anxiety about being touched, and touching each other.

The Importance of Something New

Most of us crave something new. After 30 years of marriage, new is not to be found in your everyday lives. So, do new things. Travel together, go dancing, go to a therapy retreat, or even read those awesome (so I hear) sex novels.

Be kind to each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt. It is almost impossible to be vulnerable if you live in a combative environment. To rekindle intimacy requires loving gestures and words of affirmation. Leave loving notes (yes, we all love them, admit it) or send loving text messages throughout the day. One of the eight basic emotions is passion. But passion is not just a feeling—it is a choice.  Choose to be vulnerable and willing to grow emotionally and sexually closer.